You know how they say
that life imitates art or art imitates life? I feel like I’m the living
embodiment of that saying right about now. My life, while wonderful, is at a
bit of a crossroads. I’m making the transition from dependent student and child
to a self-sufficient working adult. Or at least attempting to. Currently I find
myself in limbo, trying to push forward yet hesitating. There is a part of me
that is dragging its heels, unwilling to wholly let go of the convenience and
safety of childhood. But this is warring against another, bolder side that’s
ready to take on the challenges of life, no matter how much adversity I am
faced with; it is she who is responsible for my staying in Winona even now
after my college career is ended. Instead of moving home to my sleepy Illinois
town of Marengo, I decided some time ago that I would continue enjoying
everything that Winona has to offer: the theatre and film festivals, the coffee
shops and museums, and river and bluffs we’re surrounded by, and of course the
little yarn store I just happen to work at. While the decision to stay was a
relatively easy one to make, the means on which I’ll be living are a little more…
how can I put this poetically… ambiguous. At the moment I have enough, more
than enough even. I’m happy, healthy and in the scheme of things I don’t have
much to worry about. But I confess that I lie awake sometimes while my mind
creates countless scenarios in which I fail to accomplish the things I most
want to do, and therefore fail in providing for myself. The morning brings a
clear mind and my usual sunny self, but the shadow of a doubt always exists
even on my brightest days.
But how does this deep,
pessimistic chatter relate to art, you ask? Well, this limbo I’m in has begun
to extend past my circumstances and into the pieces that I’m knitting. In all
of the projects that I’m currently working on I’m stuck. In my defense, I’m
waiting for back-ordered yarn to arrive to continue with one of them, but I
have no valid explanation for halting my progress on the others. For some
reason, my feet are dragging and I find myself unwilling to work on or finish the
things on my needles. Yes non-knitters, most of us crazy yarn people have
upwards of two or three projects going at once. I have attempted to explain my procrastination
with several unconvincing excuses such as: this project is too boring, I really
hate this pattern, it’s too hard, this is taking too long, and (my personal
favorite) I just got this new yarn and I can’t wait even the smallest amount of
time to work with it. So yes, I have completed several other things during my
time of project stagnancy, but those unfinished items are still there quietly
mocking my success. Alright, I might be getting a little carried away, but my
frustration at their unfinished state is growing. And unfortunately I only have
myself to blame for this. Mirroring my attitude toward my transitioning life, I
want to move on, but my other less logical side is unwilling to take the
necessary measures.
Limbo really isn’t the
best place to be. I’m hoping that I’ll soon snap out of it, finishing and
figuring out what I need to both in knitting and in life. It will take planning
and determination, but I won’t stay in a state of unknown and immobility my
entire life. There are so many new patterns to try, yarns to create with, and
experiences to have. Possibilities stretch out before me and while it’s a little
frightening, my heart also leaps with anticipation. I can only hope that soon
my two warring sides will come to terms with one another and then I might be
able to move from this place of limbo and settle into the life I will create
for myself.
One of the problems of being a big sister is that I have such a desire to make your world perfect but I am unable to do so. Just remember that life comes to us in stages. Sometimes we know our path and sometimes we don't. Both stages are OK and normal, although the latter always feels like we have no grip on our life or our future. The shadow of doubt will go away and you will prove yourself... but it doesn't happen in a day or a week. It will happen down the road, slowly and subtly, when you suddenly realize that you have made a life for yourself against the odds. Revel in the state of unknown for now. It is in this state that God reveals himself in big ways.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace this transition Jenn! Enjoy spending time helping Elizabeth with her wedding plans, knitting and working, and God's plan for you will be revealed! You have our love and support!!
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